THANK YOU!

Journalling will be continued and so will Foucault reading. But I just wanted to share something very personal with you. 

You know, Once upon a time, there was a kid who came to a small town in Patratu, leaving his parents behind because their parents were struggling with their own lives and relationships, to a Bijli Board given D-type quarter (House), of two of his Grandparents, Dadaji and Dadima.

For a whole year, he was confused where he has come since, he did not know Hindi, only English and Tamil, may be a little Kannada. 

He entered a school which was super-Hindi school. For a lot of time, He was a confused kid who did not understand what is going on. 

It took at least one year for him to learn basic Hindi to be able to comprehend what was going on?

Of course, he was never a brilliant student. Forget brilliant, He was not even mediocre when he used to study in LKG in Bangalore. 

Now, cut to, when I see me, this little kid, who has no idea whatsoever, to me, memorized most of Urdu poetry, Western Philosophy, Psychoanalysis, Masters level Physics, Political science and a decent speaker of at least 5 languages (Hindi, Urdu, English, Bhojpuri, Magahi), I just want to know one thing.

Who should I thank for this? For this whole thing? My grandfather? My First teacher Tiwari acharyaji (Rajendra Tiwari who is no more in this world), My Friends? Who should I thank?

I thank God. Mera ishwar. To make me what I am. I could have been dumber. I could have been insensitive. I could have been dishonest. I could have been a lot of things. But he chose to made me this self-aware. 

Most of all, he gave me himself. Mere ishwar ne mujhe khud mera ishwar diya. Mai kyun na sab kuch usko saunp dun?

You know, since childhood, one feeling which is so close to me is that things get figured out. I do not know how. But they do. 

I got this yesterday. When My friends brought for me a birthday cake, First of all, When I first came to my school SSVM, I was so awkward and insecure kid. I did not have any friends in my Bangalore school. I was a weird kid who used to eat alone and sometimes forced to eat with children who really did not want to eat with me. 

From there to here, I have got two friends. Two friends for life. Do you think I have the capability to make friends? Do you think I have the capability to do anything? No of course not. 

करते हो तुम कन्हैया, मेरा नाम हो रहा है

When I saw first in SSVM. I thought if two people became my friends, I will be happy. Those two, at that time, were Rishav Pandey (He was a fair looking guy and I used to think A fairer guy would be a good friend as a child, you know why?) and a girl who used to top the class at that time, Muskaan raj (I used to think even as a kid that intelligent people are better friends, in my defense, I was 5 years old). 

Cut to here, I see, in front of my gate of my house, two guys standing for me, to take me, to shove in my mouth a cake that they ordered. Do you think I deserve this? Do you think I have any qualities to receive this much love for people so great? Nope, Not at all. And that's why there is a god for me.

जितना दिया सरकार ने मुझको, उतनी मेरी औकात नहीं, 

ये है कृपा मेरे दाता की, मुझ में कोई ऐसी बात नहीं 

How do I thank God? How do I thank these people? To quote Amrita pritam, "Mai itne pyar ka kya karun?" 

Of course, I am crying while writing this. It is given now. I write with both my fingers and my eyes. My eyes cry. and the drops fall on hands, and the drops make words appear, "Thank you". 

I was talking to my friends, About our first Quiz in Jamshedpur. Do you know, How much I used to score in English in my class at that time? I scored 50 marks in Half yearly I remember. I did not know shit about Grammer. 

There were people so much more knowledgeable and knowing than me. Even these two of my friends were well versed at that time in Tenses, etc. I did not know anything. I could not even translate even one sentence in English. 

But, I got selected. Did I feel Imposter syndrome? Let me tell you something. People who feel like Imposters are those who have other things (Family, Life) sorted alongside. In my case, I lived a life of an imposter. With no father and no mother in a city where I did not know the language, I never felt imposter because I was living by destiny. Wherever Life took me, I went. It was like, I was holding a finger of God, God took me from Bangalore to Patratu, and from there to Jamshedpur for this quiz. 

You know, I used to see people getting prizes at that time. I used to think If I get to touch one trophy, or may be I will ask any one who has more than one, to keep it, it will look so good in my home. 

I even tried this. One of my seniors, when I was in class fourth, I asked him if he can give me his trophy, Of course, he did not. 

See, From there, where I had no confidence that I will ever win a trophy in life, to a closet full of trophies not even in School but also in College, This is all God doing. Isme se kuch bhi mera kiya hai hi nahi. 

I come to my home. I get cooked food. You know, People who live in normal households with mothers to cook them food, think that it is their right to get food from their mothers. At least, their sub-conscious is filled with it. 

But, ask me, For me, everyday's meal was a gift. When I be-friended Rishav, he was generous enough to give me roti and sabzi, cooked by his mother to me for almost 10 years, till we studied together. 

Do you think I ever thanked him for that? Do you think I will ever be able to? I will literally cry in front of him. A motherless child will get rotis from a mother? Can you believe it? That's why I am religious. 

I used to bring Parathas and achar. That was what my Grandma, old woman, could cook that early for me. Do you know, my heart sometimes feels so heavy with all the love that I have got that I feel that It will burst. 

Itna sab kuch aur kiske liye? Vibhat ke liye? Vibhat? Kya auqaat hai Vibhat ki? kuch nahi, Kuch bhi nahi. Gareeb Vibhat! Nirbal Vibhat. Aur Nirbal ke bal Ram. 

Mai ro dunga bhai Rishav ke saamne. Rishav itna practical aadmi hai, usko lagega, paagal hua Vibhat phir. 

Hum Pagal hi hain shayad. Lekin, in my bhajan sessions, When I cry, and I cry like heavy, sometimes, my aunty hears it, watches me, holds me tight because she cannot see me crying like this. She asked me like three days before, "Why do you cry like this?, is there a problem?" 

No, aunty there is no problem! I cry because I feel too full of happiness and overwhelm for life and existence. I feel too overwhelmed about God. 

The problem is this has occurred to me since I started listening to Osho. I meditate and I get these flashes from my childhood. Sometimes, I meditate for 2-3 hours straight. You know what happens to you when you do this? Your mind starts recalling everything it has in its sub-conscious. How do you think I know these things from my childhood. I also know things when I was 2-3 years old. And not in a blurringly way, Vividly, clearly. You know, yesterday, I told Abhishek about a song that he used to sing when he was a little kid and he asked, "But Why do you remember all this?" I had this in my mind, but I did not say to him, "If everything went well, I would even remember things that did not happen to me in this life but some other life". Do I believe in these things? No! But if things start to happen to you in your Dhyana, you will have to believe it. I get flashes in my dreams. I get flashes in my dhyana. My intuition has been deepened. My life has been changed. And all this, God wants, and God does. 

I have seen myself again, when I was a little kid. I cry because, I feel so much gratitude. 

How do I thank Osho? who gave me meditation? Who gave me Dhyana this deep? Who gave me adhyatma? I can only say Thank you.