SOME TALKS PERSONAL

 Hey, 

How you guys doing? I mean, yes, I know. I Promised to start with Foucault. But it happens you know. You wake up, you start with opening your laptop and Coffee in your hands and then you force your brain to start because it is so sleepy and just wants to be quiet. It is better If I write something where I do not need to be too conscious of accuracy about what am I writing. 

You know, Academics require honesty. Intellectual Honesty. You cannot just serve your readers anything. At least my serious works on Foucault, those are accurate stuff. You cannot say I haven't been accurate in them. Those are academically written articles. 

Today's blog is just a laidback, well-wishing, slowly trying to write something which comes to my mind, whatever it be. You know when you do this exercise, write when you have nothing to write, you write the emotions and issues you have that stuck with you over years or may be past few days. 

If I remember, On the top of my head, If I try to write something, what comes is that This weekend is going to be my Birthday. 

Over the years, I understand that this day is supposed to be a special day in everyone's year. But, where I come from, The family, the socio-economic class, etc. I had mixed experiences with Birthdays. You know, On the top of my head, I remember my mother and my father, celebrating my birthday when I was a little Kid. We used to live in Bangalore. We invited all my friends from Pre-school. That was the only time, I celebrated my birthday with my family. When I came to Patratu, My Grandfather was dead against cutting cakes and all because it was anti-Hindu or something. So, since I was four, I did not get to celebrate my birthday by cutting a cake. We used to have some Puja or something. And then I used to get dishes what I like. 

You know, in lunch, I always used to get Sambhar Rice, with slices of raw onion cut with a spoonful of ghee on my Rice. This was a custom dish I used to tell My Grandma, later my Aunty to make. This, and then at night, used to get Aloo Paranthe. Yeah, this might be routinely food for many. But you know, I liked these things. So, the dishes were not that important. Those particular dishes made on the occasion of your birthday made it special. 

Feeling special is a feeling every person needs. These Birthdays, and especially the western way of celebrating it really makes me happy. They have some couple of good customs. Thanksgiving, Soup kitchen, Birthdays. 

When I gained some consciousness, I tried to introduce this custom among my friends. Whenever someone's Birthday just came, I used to make everyone contribute money and then we used to buy a little cake and used to eat it in some weird places based on our childhood kinks, Like: Somewhere in bushes, beside a river, etc. We tried it for a couple of years. Then, I guess I moved to Delhi, or Pune, I don't remember, and it stopped. We, nowadays, do not even remember to wish each other on our birthdays. 

It was not just my only try. I tried this with my classmates in Delhi. There, it sorts of worked. People brought cakes for people for some time, and then groups emerged. People started to bring cakes for only those that they liked, some even refused to contribute money for people that they do not like. I think even this was not the worst thing. The worst thing was, even if they did not contribute, we used to invite them to celebrations, and they used to stand there like aliens. 

Then, I tried to replicate it with colleagues in Pune. I call them colleagues because, I mean, they were obviously not friends. I mean some were, Sourabh, Deep and Siddhant are good friends. I started it when a Fellow Colleague said that she will miss not celebrating her birthday with her family. I thought, I never had a chance of celebrating properly with my family my birthday since I was four, why not let her feel home here at this stranger place. So, I told all of our batchmates, organized a little cake. She really enjoyed it. 

Then it became a custom. But slowly everyone started disliking everyone and then it stopped. You know what do I think? Whether you are Friends or enemies, Empathy should be an objective unconditional trait in humans. You know how much you like to feel special. Then may be, you should let other feel the same. It is just increase in happiness only. Why do you care if it is yours or others. You see someone smiling and you feel, damn, today's a good day. 

I think, this year also, I will be working, and my birthday will go uncelebrated. I mean, I am special to me, but yeah, maybe I should not expect everyone to just feel the same way about me. You know, I remember a little emotional incident that occurred with me which I think I have never shared with anyone. Also, I think I had written a little poem about it. It is not a good poem but yeah, Wait let me find it and then I will tell you the story. 

कुछ बात हुई है? 

नहीं, कुछ नहीं, 

पुरानी याद कोई है? 

नहीं नहीं, अब वो भी नहीं |

किसी ने कुछ कहा क्या? 

नहीं नहीं कुछ नहीं |

किसी से विश्वास उठा क्या? 

कैसे उठेगा? था ही नहीं |

फिर क्यों उदास हो? 

किसी बच्चे को उसके घरवाले, 

खिलोने दिला गये |

तो? 

बस! यही है, इसलिए |

Yeah, this is it. I mean, I wrote it when I was emotionally very heavy and sad. It was my Friend Siddhant's birthday. And we had planned to celebrate it of course with a cake. Then, I got to know, that his mother and maternal uncle have come to Pune from Kolkata just to surprise him for his birthday. Actually, Siddhant and I come from a same broken family background. The only difference, he leaves with his mother and I, since childhood, with my grandfather. So, yeah, I just felt, "damn, man! Must be nice to feel this special!" and I felt really down. Really sad. I mean I felt good about him. I did not feel jealous, just a little sad. I cannot expect this to happen to me, I mean. You know, I did not tell this to anyone at that time. Who would have I told? Who would have understood a 21-year-old Needy person's need to feel special, especially at a professional space which I tried to make a little personal. I mean, It is not about that place. It is about any place with any person. Maybe I have been just unlucky in this. Not everyone gets everything you know. 

My personal life has always been an attempt to replicate a home, that I never had. A home, a functional family may be. With my friends, with my Girlfriends, with any one I know. But in this economy, I think for a man like me, I don't think there are any personal avenues to get affection and familial love. 

Damn, this became heavy, isn't it? I mean, it is. Siddhant has been lucky in this. I mean, most of them have been. I mean, I felt worse in case of Siddhant because till then, I used to think he is exactly like me. Coming from a dysfunctional family, a reclusive person with strange gym habits. I mean, then I get to know, Oh damn! We might not be that alike. His mother loves him. 

You know, it's better to have a working day on your birthday, you know. When you know, it is a special day but for you. Just you! Just may be buy a cup cake, candle may be. Don't tell anyone. Just blow it. In a low tone, sing, happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday to Vibhat, Happy birthday to you. You know, I mean, it started to get to me. I don't know how, but I am crying right now. 

Actually, I don't have any complaints with anyone. It's just... I don't know. Maybe I just wish, God could have made me a little mediocre, a little less intelligent, but just would have given me a happy functional normal, mom-dad-son type of family. I know, it is not a big deal. Many people have it and they still are not happy, but you know, I don't know why but I think I needed it. 

I remember once, I was in Delhi when my Girlfriend, Smriti, that time, tried to do something special for me on my birthday. We used to be in long distance, so she brought a cake in her place and at 12 midnight, 23rd November, she wished me with a happy birthday. I was literally surprised. Sort of taken aback. I did not know how to react. Since I was not used to such a surprise. It was so special and lovely. And the next day, I went with my Friend Rustam, who secretly planned this special thing with Smriti and then he brought to me what Smriti had gifted me, it was a cute little Tie and a bow. And a Jaggery chocolate. It was lovely. I have still kept it. Not because, I am hung up on my ex, 😅, but because, this was one of the rare moments when someone did something so special for me. I mean, "kaise nahi rakhte Yaar!" 

I mean, God! are you there? I know, I have a lot of Grudges with you. But this, I am not asking you because I am angry with you. This I am asking just as a person of Faith. Can you just, on my Birthday, restart everything in an alternate world where just, I get a functional Mom-dad family. It's ok. I can sacrifice my intelligence, make me may be more middle class than I already am. Take away from me these things that I am so proud of. Just give me my family Bhagwan. 

Yeah, I know, this blog has become quite heavy. Damn! This happens when you don't have anything to write. You write things which bother you, which kill you daily but still you are forced to live. But you know what does not kill you makes you stronger. You know, they say, People who cannot get love, strive for power. I think, If I ever got power, I would ensure people around me are not deprived of this one thing that is free of cost. Anyhow, give them family, give them People to talk to give them people to smile with. 

What stuff is Empathy made of? Personal sorrow. What stuff are strong people made of? Empathy. 

I think it's ok to end here. My coffee's over. My class is about to start. Bye! I really like this style of writing actually. Sort of like Journalling. Maybe I will continue this.