UPSC GEETA 2: AWAKENING CURIOSITY

 "Will I be able to clear this year's UPSC CSE exam?"

As if he came from future and he knows. As if he is some sort of God and he knows. But I asked because I thought qualifying it is the cure whatever be the intent of doing this. 

He said, "Anything else you want to ask?" 

I thought for some time. I had more questions in mind but in front of him, I felt questionless as if he is the answer to all my questions. 

I said, "No, nothing, just this, if you know please tell me, I am anxious". 

He began. "Why do you want to clear this exam? Why is this exam so much important for you?" 

I answered, "Since, I have left my PhD in between for this, and now I want a job, and also, it aligns with my social world view of welfare, also financially, my family needs this, and it will inspire many students of my hometown to pursue competitive exams". I said all this in a breath thinking he is asking a 250-marker question, and I have to write it within 11 minutes. 

As if he was ready with the answer and he knew what I will say, He said, "So many things, but none is so central that I can pinpoint that is actually beneficial to you". I kept quiet. He went on. 

"Tell me, you used to have a passion for Physics, why did you leave it?" 

"I was not feeling good about it, I felt as if I chose the wrong career path". 

"But why? You lost passion for physics?" 

"The way Physics used to be, it ceased to be that. The campus was not physics friendly". 

"So, you were not lacking in anything?" "Didn't you escape, like a coward?" 

I was facing something very dangerous I had no idea about. He was smiling while saying this. I felt enraged. But I said, "No, I did not. I found another field of interest and changed to that". 

"I think you escaped because you ran away from the pressure and insecurity of being judged on a daily basis." 

I felt helpless. I felt as if he is demolishing all the myths that I always kept for myself. 

He kept going, "Listen, if you genuinely want to know, you will have to start listening to me right now, without defending yourself, surrender your debating skills into me". 

I said, "Ok". 

He started. Listen, "The problem you have has four folds." 

First, what do you think the problem of Akash Madan is? Why is he not getting selected even after this much hard work? He is already much hardworking than you, more focused than you are right now. Why is he not succeeding?" 

"Because UPSC is a hard exam, I think", I said. "That it is, Life itself is hard, Do not see problems in the world, See problems of the self". 

"The problem with Akash Madan is that of Moha.

"But he is the most pragmatic person I know. Who is he attached to?"

"He is attached to himself." 

"But, is not being attached to oneself necessary for being successful?"

"Is your success only important for you? Why is it so valuable to you? When you enlisted reasons for choosing civil services as a career, you described many reasons that were related to public welfare. If that is the case, why attachment?" 

"But, what if I could not clear it? All those visions of the future plans will go in vain." 

"The problem with you and Akash Madan is same on the level of Moha. It seems like you people are so much obsessed by why you should deserve to win, you think it is your birthright. Yes, you have faced hardships, but who has not. Grow out of this negative space of self-obsession and think what you can do to alleviate the pain of the world, that will cure you. Anything, any attempt which is not made in the direction of "good for all" is Adharma. Leave Adharma, come to Dharma. 

"What is this Dharma you are talking about?" 

"First understand the problems" 

"Moha, a Moha with one's own personal ego, personal success". 

Ok. 

Second problem, "Why do you think was the reason for Nikhil's losing hope?" 

I don't know, I do not want to think. May be, he failed that's why. 

"Itni Sthool baatein mat karo yaar, or Don't give such trivial answers, man".

"Nikhil's problem is of Moha, but a different kind of Moha". 

"Nikhil's problem of Moha is that, He has attached his success to the whole world, his family, his society at large, If Akash Madan is too much egocentric, Nikhil's ego is deflated to the whole society". 

"He feels his failure will end the world, but it does not. Failure never ends anything". 

Moha comes in two forms. One is Akash Madan's Moha. The Moha which is egocentric. Everything good should happen to me because I deserve it. Forget the Dharma, I am important, says the Mohi. 

And Second type of Moha is Nikhil's Moha. This Moha is world centric. "Daya", In this the Mohi fills his ego by being generous to others. He thinks he is Boddhisatva. He has bodhisattva complex. he wants to cure the world where he even can't cure himself. 

But you tell me, I feel Nikhil's Moha is justified. Ok, Akash's Moha is egocentric. But, Nikhil's is on the right track, isn't he? We should not think about ourselves, but thinking about the world is ok, right?" I tried reasoning, "and If we cannot do either, where to focus, what even to look at, where to focus?" 

"Anything that makes you a slave of your actions and their outcomes cannot be good for anyone. Wise men do not do action to cure the world, they do it to cure themselves. It is not bad to think about yourself or the world. It matters what you are thinking. If you are thinking that you deserve everything, how to snatch every bit of happiness and material from the world, you are egocentric. If you are thinking how to give to the world and it is making you anxious, you are egocentric. The wise men look both at the world and at themselves. But that look is different." 

"How the wise men look?" I asked. 

"The wise men look at themselves as a battleground or as a fertile land for improvement. The problem with both of your friends and with you is that you identify with yourself so much. That's why this question is asked that what to do. What to help. What to achieve. These achievements are not yours. These achievements are that of the body and the mind. You are not the body or the mind. Nikhil wants to help the world and hence thinks his actions are justified, but he forgets who himself is. He treats himself different from the world. That's why he feels bad when he is not successful. He thinks he could not do good for the world. But the reality is, if he wants to do any good, either He or the world has to be one. and it will be the world helping itself. or He should be empathetic to the whole world. Then also, it will be you helping you. The problem is in dissociating with the world and then trying to attach yourself to the world. Attachment is a sad mimicry of identification. You are supposed to lose yourself in the service of others. Attachment is just a short cut of real losing yourself."

"The wise men keep their focus neither on themselves nor on the world, rather on the truth." 

"The truth, what is it?" 

"First question you asked that is of value." 

"Truth is something that includes both you and the world in a totality." 

"For example, if you want to succeed in UPSC CSE, it is obviously good for you and if you are a good candidate, it will be good for people at large. Don't you think what people welfare and your welfare depends on are the same thing, that is selection of a good candidate and hence, what is truly important? Your selection? or selection of a good candidate?"

"I want to say, a good candidate, but then I feel an uneasiness. I want my success also". 

"There lies your weakness. You cannot say that you do not deserve to get success if you are not a good candidate, here is the selfishness, here lies the ego, that you should be treated differently than the world". 

I kept quiet. 

"If a good candidate's selection is what is good both for you and the world, then your focus should only be on how you become that good candidate, then what is the problem? The truth is this "Good candidature", rest everything is false. Parent's expectations, Your desires, public welfare, everything is maya, Only good candidature is the truth and that should be focused". 

"How did you decide that?" 

"I decided that based on the fact that there is only one criteria of truth, that it should be good for all. It should give Freedom to all." 

"Freedom to all?" 

"Yes, If your focus is on the good candidature, will not you be completely satisfied with the result, since always the most scoring people get selected?" 

"Technically yes" 

"What is this technically yes, conceptually yes, yes is yes. Tell me, what is the problem then? isn't it pure selfishness that you want to be that candidate and if you do not, you think public welfare will not happen?" 

"Should public welfare be public welfare only when it happens through you?" 

I felt as if I was exposed. I felt naked. I said, "tell me then what to do".

"Work with truth in mind, this truth will alleviate from all your and world problems. then You studying will feel like a natural scientific process. It is the world working towards solving its own problems. You working to be an IAS will become the world working to heal itself. Your working will become like Photosynthesis, Like respiration, Like a state election, Like Nitrogen Cycle. And then, Let the best get selected, No need of sadness over failure, the best has been selected." 

I felt as if something heavy bas been lifted off my back. 

a feeling of calm gestured on my face. Suddenly, He said, "Problem is not over yet. Two more problems are left" 

"What are those problems?" 

He was smiling at me. As if, he was successful in doing what he wanted to. I know what he wanted to do. He wanted to make me develop interest that he is of some help to me. Honestly, I thought, He is going too deep and this might not help me. But it did. I am curious now. I think, this is going to solve all my problems and not just personal or professional. My Curiosity has been awakened.