UPSC GEETA: 1: INTERVIEW WITH THE SELF

"Uska Kya hua? Interview diya tha na wo?" or "What happened to his result? He had given interview this year, right?" My Grandfather inquired me. I am of course not the protagonist of this story. Who is? I intend to make it a protagonist-less story. That means, it has to be universal enough to not be a single hero centric. 

My grandfather, Jitendra Nath Sharma, a retired Engineer in the Jharkhand Electricity Board, used to live in a small town called Patratu, nearly 35 Km from Ranchi. 

I am his grandson, Vijit Kumar. I prefer not to be called Sharma since a healthy coincidence happened in school. It ended with only "Kumar" and which I later defended saying, I do not want any Caste Labels. But does this leave me of the Caste privileges already existing in the material reality? Of course not. 

My Grandfather is inquiring about a guy named, Akash Madan, A fellow senior, a UPSC aspirant, who gave his second interview this year, and whose result we were all been waiting. All includes me, My two friends and co-aspirants, Nikhil Kumar Kamal and Akhilesh Kumar. 

We all are preparing from home from quite a time. It is a weird hostage situation where we are captive to our own families. Not rich enough to afford living in fancy places like Delhi and not humble enough to not claim greatness through Civil services exam, we were struck in the time frames of ourselves. 

I was thinking what to tell my grandfather. I then told him that he could not qualify even this time. My Grandfather said with a hint of sadness in his voice, "Koi baat nahi, Itna prayas kiya kam baat hai, prayas bahut zaruri hai". or "No worries, he tried and this is what matters". 

I had learned it through my experiences that words are least informative about what a man thinks. The real information lies in his voice, in his actions, in the movement of his pupils and probably in his words when he is drunk. On one hand, I understood that the middle-class sadness of failure persisted in my grandfather. Probably, he had hoped success from him. A topic of boasting missed. On the other hand, what he said, I felt, was less about Akash Madan, but more for me, so that I do not get disheartened. Parents and guardians take care of all possibilities where you can get hurt and want to protect you. But What they cannot see is where you get hurt the most. That place is, an inner lack, a feeling whether I will need this protection forever or will I ever be able to develop a thick skin for life? 

I wanted to call Akash Madan, but I felt it would be rude of me. Result, I already know. Why to bother him asking? Give him space. Meanwhile, my grandfather asked me for Akash's number. I asked him why, to which he said, "Hausla bada denge" or "I will motivate him". I told him it is not required right now. This is not the right time. I departed my grandfather's room and came to mine. 

I have just started with my Preparation. I left my PhD in Physics for this. Why left? This is a long story which I will try to fit into this short story sometime later. My friends were preparing for quite some time. 2-3 attempts they had given with no final results. Some progresses like, once, Nikhil got to mains, Increase in Akhilesh's Anxieties and insecurities, increase in Nikhil's sadness over failures. This is what this fertile land of UPSC Civil services exam had offered us till now. 

I came to my room thinking if what I decided has any firm ground or what Akhilesh said that day was right? "Arey, isko laga ki PhD mein toh bahut din lag jayega, IAS ban jaate hain, isliye PhD chorr diya", Or "He thought PhD is time consuming, so he decided to shift to IAS". 

People and my Friends included in them, want to live a life of dignity but they forget to respect other people's dignity. I was thinking, "Am I this small? that I left my childhood passion for Physics for just a government job? Do security and social validation matter to me this much?" 

And moreover, What will happen to me if I could not qualify this exam? 

I was sitting in my room thinking this. My room is a part apart from my house. It is an interesting construction. It is constructed such that It is part of the house. You cannot enter into my room without entering through the main gate, but it is not connected to any other rooms through a gate. As if, the builder made it for someone who is a part apart. Someone who is family, but who does not inherit all traits of his family. 

Suddenly, I felt someone's presence in my room. It was weird and spooky since, My room was so small that no person could go unnoticed by the other if he is present there. How could I ignore the elephant in the room for this long? naturally, anyone becomes an elephant of a room when the room is small. 

I looked behind me. And there he was, He was me. Vijit Kumar, in flesh and soul. I was awestruck and I wanted to scream at this supernatural. I was looking at myself studying through a third person view and it was frightening the shit out of me. 

My voice choked in my throat with fear, My shoulders stretched. My flight and fright response were kicking in. I wanted to run but could not. He was busy writing something, I know not what. He was writing a blog. He looked up on me. He smiled. He said, "Surprised?" 

I could not speak. He said, "I know, pages will go spent in extravagance if I start telling why and from where I am from. But know for sure that I mean no harm. I am here to help. I am here to help you with your doubts. I am here to guide you." 

"Who are you?" I shouted. I am Vijit, I am you, silly, cannot you see?" I was taken aback. It was difficult for me to recognize this. Yes, I knew it was me. But, If I would have seen him in some marketplace I would have probably ignored him. He had a forgettable face. Does that mean I have a forgettable face?

He said, "No silly, you are not forgettable, see, I am here. I did not forget you. That is why I came to help you. Sit down, ask me. Treat me like I am some supernatural entity. I almost am but not quite. Ask whatever small or big doubts you have, would you?" 

I was unsure if I wanted to do it. But, not everyday such unusual happens to you, so I postponed the schedule for the day and sat down. I asked him, "Where and how did you reach here when the room was locked from outside?" 

"You went outside and asked me only to close the door from outside while I was busy writing this new book I am working on, "UPSC GEETA" as I provisionally call it". 

What, wait, What? What did he say? Am I turning lunatic. I did not understand anything about what he said. 

He further continued, "Do not ask supernatural questions, Silly." "Are you going to kill me?" "Come on, man, please do not waste my time, please ask the relevant question". 

I took the bottle from the table, took some water in my mouth. I felt a bit relaxed. I was sweating. Fan was running. I sat down. I caught my breath back. 

"Ready?" He asked me. I was ready. There was no need to delay now. Somehow I felt I was waiting for someone like me for centuries. I gathered myself. I was ready to ask myself questions. 

"Ok, I am ready". 

"First question please..."

Ok...Ok...ok...

"Will I be able to clear this year's UPSC CSE exam?"

He smiled as if he knew. He smiled as if he is smirking at the materialistic aspect of my question. He smiled as if he knew something bigger than the question. He smiled, I felt something positive gravelling in my stomach. Butterflies of first love, it seemed. I sat there for his look to end and answer to begin. I think this is going to be a book worthy session.