Hey, how you guys doing?
Some of you, who are not guys, women, I mean, complain that why I ask only guys about doing? Why not us women? To which I have two answers, One flirtatious, and other genuine.
Flirtatious answer is, Because Only men have to try to do their work, you women are champions, you just flow, and the work is done. If you think this flirt has any merit, do give me a text on WhatsApp or anywhere you like, we can flirt some more. 😅😏
Coming to the genuine answer, it is just a catch phrase, for me guys is the gender-neutral term, which includes genders across the spectrum. So, yeah, that is the reason, it is my Carryminati analog of "Toh kaise hain aap log?"
So, coming to the issue at hand, how was my 2024? Given that we are at the end of this year, It is only suitable to write something, however brief about how was this year for me? What did I learn? How my worldview shifted? And what I think ultimately, I will try to achieve in next year?
First of all, I discovered that how toxic I can be to some people? How much hatred I have for some people who are closely related to me. For example, My mother. When I started writing about my mother, I did not know that I could write this much and this worse. So, yeah, I was not empathetic to her. and I regret it. Everyone deserves empathy regardless of whatever they did in their lives. Maybe, I am currently at this phase, where I cannot respect her as a mother, because my issues are not at closure here. But, some day may be, and as the world is going, Future mothers are going to be worse, so may be in some 10 years down the line, I respect my mother more compared to the mothers of my own generation, who could be even worse bitches of their times. Do not get me wrong, I am not a misogynist, but I am not blind either. Bitches need to be called out. Lastly, I think, I empathize with my mother. I understand she also had her fair share of sufferings. And yeah, Maybe If she would not been my mother, My hatred would be lesser. This hatred of mine is an "Emotional bias". I will overcome this as well. Not for her, but for myself.
Secondly, and ironical enough, I discovered Spirituality. A solace that saved me from the turmoil and disasters of the world. As Osho says, "Sara jahaan usko giraane ki koshish mein laga raha, lekin jo tere naam se jud gaya, wo tir gaya!".
I found God. I found Osho. Actually, Osho is God to me. With all his flaws and foes, I am in love with the man. Saari duniya uski burai karti rahe, Mai andha hun uski bhakti mein. I am in his feet.
कबीर कुत्ता राम का, मुतिया मेरा नाऊँ।
गलै राम की जेवड़ी, जित खैंचे तित जाऊँ॥
You cannot understand the dignity and self-respect of a Bhakt. You might think he has lost his mind, he has lost his soul, his individuality, his intelligence, what is he doing with his life? But all he has lost is his ego. Blessed is those who turn mad in the Bhakti of their Gods.
Not all madnesses are madnesses, some madnesses are sanity. The problem is in public perception, and most of us, even intelligent ones, like my Friend Nitesh, live by public perception only, have notions of madness connected to common behaviors. This is such an enlightenment phenomenon. Like, if someone is behaving or saying things contrary to what the herd or mass mentality is doing, he must be crazy. Madness is just anti-common sense to most of us. But Madness is much more nuanced.
Those are mad, who get stuck in the clutches of thought. For them, the need to logically understand God and life abstained them from Living life to the fullest and falling in love with God to the fullest. Again see, I am saying God and not the idea of God.
My only suggestion to anyone who is suffering for any reason, Fall in love. I don't know how can you? But just do. Either try to understand God. God is not wrong. You are. If you cannot understand God, always think that you are less intelligent. Because God is, God was, God will be. May be not in the same language as you understand, may be not the same material that you sense, but It is.
Third, I experienced failures in my professional life, my personal life, and even my family life. I lost my PhD position at IISER. The whole research scene is so judgmental that apparently, if I wish to return to physics ever again, It is almost like I have sinned, and I can never recover. I blame no one. I could have handled things better. It was my mistake. I own it. I am learning. I will fail. I am not perfect. But yes, I try, And I will keep trying. And God bless, I lost my ego due to spirituality so I do not have that big ego now that I cannot work in a mediocre job. I can, I can start at a humble place and try to climb higher.
Personal life, yes, I moved on from my Ex-girlfriend Smriti. I forgive her. And I do not wish to be forgiven anymore from her. I think this is an ultimate moving on anyone can have. I have cried, cried for hours, days and nights. I have cried in front of my friends, Abhishek and Nitesh, We three have hugged each other. That night might be the lowest point in my life. But That night, I realized that I am a billionaire in life. I have such good friends. Friends who saw me at my lowest and did not flicker. Friends, who listened to me saying continuously, I will come out of it, I will come out of it. This is not the end.
If they are reading this, Nitesh and Abhishek, and I know Abhishek does not read my blogs anymore 😅, he said he reads only accomplished people's stuff, I want to tell those two fellas, I love you man. With all my criticisms and all, please understand, whatever comes my mouth is shit, but this is gold. I love you both. By fortune or otherwise, I have found friends, probably for life for which I have no merit.
You know, friendship, love, sukoon, these are such spiritual categories that have some material manifestations that are easily available. Like, Sex is the manifestation of love, finding colleaques is a material manifestation of friendship and finding money is for sukoon. But, this gives an illusion that the material manifestations are the real spiritual categories. But the fact remains, Sukoon is a different game, Love and friendship are higher categories. They are the mysteries that are always higher than the manifestations if we wish to use Lao tzu's terminologies.
Family life, I had fights with my younger brother. Ego clashes, conflicts with him as well. I know he reads none of my work since he remains so absorbed in his work that he has no apparent social or creative life. This was in fact, one of my complaints on which we fought. Now, he has realized it a bit. He is changing a bit, he no longer replies rudely to family members, he still forgets his stuff a lot. I hope he learns. I have been in his place. When I used to think that academic brilliance is the only thing that matters and everything else is an accessory. I used to think exactly what he thinks, those who are living without knowledge or any attributes are living in vain.
।। येषां न विद्या न तपो न दानं, ज्ञानं न शीलं न गुणो न धर्मः
। ते मृत्युलोके भुवि भारभूता, मनुष्यरूपेण मृगाश्चरन्ति।।
~ Chanakya
I do not agree with this nonsense anymore. Humans do not exist to do any of this. These are just things people do to keep having fun. This moral policing, this Daddy uncle philosophy is bullshit. Chanakya can go suck my nuts.
Family yes, I have grown to have gained respect for this family institution in general. It will not be an overstatement to say that these are my struggling days, and I will be an ungrateful idiot if I do not recognize the contributions of my dadaji and my family, in my difficult times. So, thank you dada ji.
You made me what I am today, if anyone did tapasya, it was you by educating us two idiots, who lost their father and mother to life and was in destiny's hands. We could have been worse. I am grateful.
Fourthly, I have become this multi-dimensional person that I am today. Earlier when I was into Physics, Somehow I think, I had become a One-dimensional man. I understood my hidden social potential (My capabilities in public service domain), Physical potential ( I lifted 180 kgs deadlift, I am been consistently at gym for 61 days now) and most of all, Spiritual potential ( I did not know, I could love God so much, I mean, Kya hota yaar mera, I could have been a bandit of reason for life without realizing that life is such a magnificent mystery to be lived as such).
Lastly, I think I have grown as a person. I have realized there is no such thing as Aptitude. yes, for ethics answer writing, we will pretend that something like this exists. But, if you be honest, is not it a defense mechanism of humans to explain greatness. Humans cannot comprehend this fact that just by doing something continuously, someone can be that brilliant. They think, there needs to be a natural talent to explain this. Something given by God. Dude, I really think, God is not a worker at a factory, filling everyone's head with talent in different areas. If you want to involve God, Involve God fully. God is doing everything. We are mere instruments. Some instruments are sharper than others. simple. Or, accept this fact, that when a man just takes a vow, that whatever happens, I will do this boring shit, for 8 hours every day till I get success, magic happens. A magic that is so beautiful that only a God given stuff can explain it. But no god given really, It is man given to man. It is hard work and patience.
Future, I will put everything on the paddle. Whatever it takes, let's see till what boundaries I can push myself. And then, God is great. Whatever happened, God did. Whether I get success, I will blame it on God 😂, Whether I lose, God's plan.
My Physics optional teacher told me, "Kisi tarah Prelims nikaal lo, Vibhat, Mains, hum accha number se pass karwa denge guarantee hai mera!".
I mean, 😅
Kya hi bola jaaye ab.
Karte hain mehnat bhai.... A confident teacher like him deserves a hardworking student like me. Let us show them sir, what a tag team of teacher student can do. I will work twice as hard from today. This writing has given my clarity.
Rest is fine. We need to realize that living at ease is the first requirement of any hard work that you do.
So, if you ask me, Prioritize physical and mental health. And do meditate. This is the one thing that has saved me from going insane. I mean, I am still insane but in a good way.
जौ मै बौरा तौ रांम तोरा,लोग मरम का जांनै मोरा॥ टेक॥
माला तिलक पहरि मनमानां, लोगनि रांम खिलौनां जांना॥
थोरी भगति बहुत अहकारा, ऐसे भगता मिलै अपारा॥
लोग कहै कबीर बौराना, कबीरा कौ मरम रांम भल जांनां॥
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