SOME RECENT INSIGHTS

 Hey! 

Long time no see. 😅

Actually, I was travelling back from Bihar. And my Mindspace was occupied with work. You know that is the nature of difference between me writing blogs and me living my normal day to day life. The difference is, rest, everything in my life, preparing for exams, going to another city or anything else, these are kind of part of a job for me. Here, my mind is not very active. I am sort of in these cases, in switch off mode. I do not think much. I just do. I just obey. You know Obedience towards work is something I have trained myself since childhood. Whereas writing is something, which is 180 degrees opposite to work. Here, It is me actually writing using my brain. Here, I do not know what I am going to write. I just start. 

Thinking and writing makes me saner. It makes me self-aware. It makes me aware of my problems. You know the difference I feel between people who write, genuinely, I mean, no bullshit, like not like that, where they are not writing what comes to their heart or mind, but actually re-phrasing something that they read somewhere, and the people who do not write, is that the latter thinks that he knows his problems, but he really does not. He who writes, knows his problems. 

For example, from past 3-4 days, since I have returned from Bihar, I am occasionally feeling anxious. Things that do not used to affect me are affecting me all of a sudden. I used to mostly ignore people in my family, for obvious reasons, very few members of my family actually live in a jolly mood. Rest, all of them are obnoxious idiots, who are just waiting to die now. They are grumpy, old and always shouting at people. For example, My grandfather, My grandmother. These people are really dear to me, but the way they behave in winters, probably because they feel cold, is very obnoxious. I think, and I do not want to sound dark, but with utmost honesty, I think this is God's way of saying that ok, this one has become obnoxious in the objective sense, now he is ready to die. Like, Other family members will not feel sad over his demise since he was such a pain in the ass for the last 5 years. 

Honestly, I used to think and wonder why our family has problems. Like, mental issues, like anxious people, and all the time angry people. You know what, I think I know the answer. It is not because of Genetics. It is because of this one Pain in the ass Grandfather of mine, who thinks he is better than everyone else and hence, he keeps shouting at everyone. You know how mentally bad it will affect someone. 

Now a days, I am trying to keep my distance from this guy. I do not want to sound rude, but "Mental sanity over anything else". I do not regret if in his last moments, I do not meet him since I think he will be shouting even on his deathbed. Imagine, how obnoxious motherfucker he has to be, in order that I, his grandson, who he gave education and care, is not liking his company. I respect him, I love him, but yes, he is a nasty motherfucker, who does not know how to treat his family members. Also, this ends with him. He dies, and I will not continue his legacy. NO POLITICAL TALKS IN HOUSE, NO MORAL POLICING, NO SHOUTING, LIVE AND LET LIVE. 

Yes, so this was one of my reasons of anxiety recently. You have no idea, how much insightful sensitive children in these kinds of households suffer where there are these kinds of idiots as parents. 

Not everyone deserves to be a parent you know. At least, not anyone in my family. 

Yeah, so I was feeling anxious. I hope in a few days, meditation works, and I stop giving a fuck to them. 

Also, this one guy, my brother has become this negative bitch nowadays. All he does is complain, nag, nag, nag. 

Ok, you got academic problems, career problems, don't sing Ballads of suffering here. You cannot have a normal conversation with the man. 

So yes, these two people might be the reason why I am anxious. Also, prelims is coming closer, So that might be a reason for my anxiety. 

But that is ok. Acceptable, that is, as I say, price of ambition. 

Ok, maybe I will stop here. I will go to study now. Daily blogs will start from today.