PDS AND ASSOCIATED HUMILIATION

Government gives ration to people who themselves cannot afford it. But ha! here's the catch. How to know who can or cannot afford it? It is a complex problem. Otherwise, why, a family like mine, with so many privileges would be taking ration on APL cards? 

It is ultimately finding loopholes in the system that then grabbing every free stuff you can grab from the Government. My father, who is jobless from a long time, is very proficient in these jobs. And honestly, I cannot feel more humiliated than this. I mean, just think about it. You, a well fed, privilege born man, in 21st century, instead of toiling hard, working hard and earning, rely on fucking government to supply you with free food? This is shameful. 

Women of my family desperately force me to stand in queues to get that. I, as a self-respecting man, of 24, feel hell awkward standing there. The people in those lines are not underprivileged at all, there are people who left their job because now, they get free ration, so they think there is no need to work now. These people, who take ration from PDS are basically cunning lower middle-class people, who can work hard but they don't. They in turn, take away the ration which should be for BPL people. 

The humiliation I felt, can be felt by any self-respecting man, if he possesses even an ounce of it. Actually, what happens, the self-respect concept in the society, is just a social derivative. What society considers respectful and what not, eventually decides for these people, whether this is something worth their self-respect or not. And since, these lower middle-class societies are in a continuous moral decline, no standards whatsoever is left of self-respect. The last self-respecting man I saw in my family was my 75 years old Grandfather. After that, no man, or no woman, in my family is of that standard which I consider self-respectful. 

This, sometimes, reflect in my behavior also. I recall my days as a teenager, begging to a girl for a little ounce of love that she could offer me. I think I would never like to associate that past me with myself now. No self-respectful man should beg. Either for money, or for love. If circumstances are so bad, die alone. But do not beg for it. It might be considered as toxic masculine behavior according to today's polity, but let it be. I think anyone, man or woman, deserves to protect his/her ego since the whole world runs on this matrix fuel, ego. 

Coming back to PDS, especially women of my family, this desperation to get free stuff? Really? with the same mouth, how can you claim your false caste pride or brahmin genes and bullshit. I just wish one thing, that too to God, make me work so hard and accustomed to hard work, that even if I remain unsuccessful, I do not go to a fucking PDS shop to get free ration. I am really to toil for fucking 15 hours a day, but I do not wish to go to the soul-sucking fucking obnoxious place called the PDS shop. But I will have to. Because your present is shaped by people around you, and if the people around you are fucking losers, so are you. 

I see my grandfather. He remains, the bold and brave man that a man should be. He might be a fascist in tendencies and ideology, but at least he does not beg to get free ration. I idealize my grandfather in this regard. Hell, lot better than his kids. shameful, utterly disgusting. 

You know, this gives me a drive to strive for a healthy and intellectually superior life. An intellectually superior life is a life where the material needs are fulfilled to the extent of privilege. Where the mind is free to think, and the mind is full of self-respect of what I have achieved and what I have hustled for. This is what I am fighting for. An intellectually uplifted fucking life.