"Why are you reacting like this? That's why I tell you to be more social. This happened some 7 months back. Now you are reacting like this but for what?" Nikhil told Subhash.
Subhash went in contemplation. Nikhil knew that the reaction was obvious. No ordinary news had been delivered. No ordinary person had died. She was once Subhash's Ex-girlfriend. Nikhil was surprised at this reaction because he never knew that Subhash was going to react like this. She was not even Ex. The story was that old that even the slightest bit of relation was not left. These are some stages of modern relationship, "Courtship, shippers, in relationship, Ex, not even ex. They were Not even Exes.
But Subhash seemed moved. He said, "See you guys later!" And went away.
Coming to his home, he was numb and lost in an abyss.
Suddenly, he came back, and he saw he is standing in the middle of traffic. He was blocking someone's route. That person seemed in hurry. That person shouted, "Hey! Idiot, die some place elsewhere, not under my car." Subhash gave way.
Sunrays fell on the bald head of Subhash. Dhoop! as they call it in Hindi. This shouting brought him back to life. A person cannot grieve in traffic. The world's a traffic. That's why there are so many people with unresolved emotions. Grief is not allowed in Traffic. You need to keep moving.
"Dhoop kitne rang ke hote hain? Kya shaam subah ke rang ek jaise hote hain? Kya chaand ki kirano par Suraj ki kiran hone ka dabaab hota hai? Roshni ke alag alag roop ko kya duniya qubool karti hai? Toh phir mera ye rang kyun nahi? Mai tumko yaad karke ro sakun, Iski mujhe ijazat kyun nahi hai?
This was Subhash after 20 years of being separate from Sunidhi. and 9 months after her death. He was not informed. Since now they were strangers. Nobody, not even his friends thought it was necessary to inform him that she had died. Last time, 20 years ago, When Sunidhi and Subhash broke up, He cried amongst his friends like a little baby. His friends did not want to see him in that position again. Also, they had thought that he will be indifferent to this fact. But Subhash was very human, too much human.
"Kuch aansu hi allowed hote hain iss society mein. Baap mara toh Beta ro sakta hai. Pati Mara toh patni. Dost bhi allowed hain, ki wo ro lein, agar dosti mar gayi ho. Lekin Ajnabi ko ajnabi ki Maut par rona allowed nahi hai. Khaas kar wo ajnabi, jiske saath kabhi aapne ye rishta majburi mein banaya tha. Sunidhi! Mai nahi chahta tha tumse anjaan hona. Mai tumko aur jaanna chahta tha. Lekin, Tum nahi chahti thi, ki wo mai rahun, jo tumhare baare mein jaane. Mard aur aurat ke rishte aise kyun hote hain? Jahan, Package pura ka pura rishte ka ek aadmi ya ek aurat ko de diya jata hai. Mujhe uski baatein karna bahut pasand tha. Uske baare sochna. Usko pakad ke hug karna. Lekin ek compulsion hai. Ki rishta chalana hai. jaise ki koi State chalana hai. toh economy and politics hai. Jaise 2 political parties ek dusre se negotiate kar rhi ho. Ab yahi rishta iss mod par hai. Ki 10 mahine beet chuke hain. Aur mera dukh kam nahi hota. Koi na lagey jo, jo kabhi kuch lagti thi, uski maut ka dukh, Itne naye emotion ko Samaaj accept karega kya?"
Subhash wished upon himself what Shiva wished upon Sati's death. But this was worse. Sati and shiva were Couple. Sati died and we all saw, an undead, depressed husband carrying his dead wife, on his shoulders across the Universe. If you look closely, you will see, metaphorically, the dead body of Sunidhi on the shoulders of Subhash. It was with difficulty that Subhash got over with Sunidhi. But now, it began again.
Subhash was at the site of Sunidhi's death. It was a car accident. Under mysterious circumstances, she was found dead in her car. Her car crashed but on what? No signs of anything that might suggest a cause of that accident. Subhash came to look for Sunidhi. A wishful thinking that She was last alive here. She took her last breath at this place. The same air, Subhash wished to inhale. Some proximity, Any amount, to her was acceptable to Subhash at this point. He wanted to cry and express what has happened to him. This complex emotion needed patience which the world was not kind enough to offer.
"Mai tumko yaad karke rona chahta hun Sunidhi. Lekin tumhari aakhri yaad bhi kuch 20 saal pahle ki hai. Mai aksar sochta tha, Ki mar jaane mein, aur Kisi se door chale jaane mein kya farq hota hai? uss aadmi ke liye toh koi farq nahi hota jisse tum dur jaate ho. Uske liye toh tum mar gye. Lekin shayad, ye bahut badi baat hai ki Uss aadmi ko pata ho ki saamne waala zinda hai. Bas mujhse door hai. Iss duniya mein ab bhi wo hai. Saans le raha hai. shayad bahut khush ho. Ye sab soch ke Mai khud ko khush rakhta tha. Lekin, Maut mahaz kisi se doori nahi hoti. Wo ek aelaan hoti hai, ki ab wo jaan, wapas patthar ho gayi. Ab koi aisa, aise hasne wala, aise rone wala, aise baat karne wala, iss duniya mein aayega hi nahi. Maut Ghosna hoti hai, ki bas! Ab aur nahi."
Subhash was still in contemplation. He recalled how Sunidhi's brother, Sukesh, stopped talking to him when he knew that they were dating. Sukesh was Subhash's friend at one time. But Indian Man cannot digest the fact that his friend can date his sister. His Manhood is hurt. And more so, as a human, an Indian man cannot digest that some other Indian man loves. Love is a prohibited emotion for Indian men. Care is allowed, Responsibilities are allowed, Sacrifice is allowed. But the Expression of Love is not allowed. All facets of love are allowed but expression. Indian man since Satya-yuga, is trying to prove a point that He is a man of Dharma. And Dharma means, doing duty. Love and subtle emotions do not come under the ambit of duty. Being vulnerable, being open to perish for someone, these things do not come under the ambit of Dharma. Indian man is taught to keep upright, behave like a monk after a heartbreak, as if nothing happened. That is what Dharma has done to India. Man's ideal version is a Monk. Subhash cared for Old Monk, not being a Monk.
When he told Sukesh, after his breakup with Sunidhi, that he loved Sunidhi and got heartbroken, Sukesh heard him for a whole hour, gave him condolences, may be because he did not want to confront him. But, as soon as the phone was hung up, Subhash was blocked from all places. The last contact from Sunidhi's family was lost. And he lost a good friend that day. For being honest and vulnerable. But Subhash understood. He forgave his friend. He always does. He forgives. As if this is the last life he has and no remorse and no regrets and no pent-up emotions he wishes to keep. He is an anomaly. He cries more than anyone in his locality. And that too being a guy. Sunidhi, on the other hand, was almost a guy. She never cried. She was running for the label of a strong woman. Sunidhi used to mock Subhash. "How mushy you are! You make me cry also. You wish to make me a girl again? You know I am the strong man in this relationship, right?" Subhash used to say, laughingly, while still in tears, "Yes I know!" Then they used to laugh out loud.
If people could know the times and small moments of people of love, like Sunidhi and Subhash, World wars will become history, People will be ambitious to replicate that. Love is the priviest form of heaven possible. No charity available, no social welfare scheme can give you love. No state can provide. These are some conditions only you make with your partner in some circumstances. A solitude of two people.
Subhash was sitting on the pavement like a homeless man, where the accident took place. He was a homeless man. Sunidhi was his home. But somehow, he has convinced himself that it is his destiny to sleep on roads. But the mere fact that his home is now non-existent, it got demolished by a Bulldozer by, probably a government who does not like your religion, The feeling of homelessness again became alive.
Subhash saw Sukesh. He thought he is hallucinating. But no he was not. Sukesh was sitting there on the park bench. Sukesh and Sunidhi's faces looked very much alike. After so long, Sukesh saw light. His face glowed. He wanted to meet Sukesh. But felt hesitant. He was blocked. Sukesh does not want his presence. Should he say Hi? Is he allowed to be part of the sorrow that Sunidhi's family shared? Subhash was no family. But he wanted to. Family seems like a positive institution. But the institution which declares to prioritize people who are related to you by Biology is a selfish institution. Just because two people came out of the same womb, they are allowed to cry for each other. Two men fought all their lives for land disputes of the family, and when one man dies, The other man cries. And his sadness is allowed even after knowing that these people always wanted ill of each other. Family is a selfish, self-centric and non-inclusive institution. And I ask, what is so special about Biology that people give it more value than Collective welfare and sometimes more value than the individual.
Subhas was looking at Sukesh. Sukesh looked back. At this moment, Subash and Sukesh seemed frozen. In a kind of hesitation whether to talk. Men are like that. Only Men can mask their ego behind hesitation. Man can hide his ego anywhere. In any emotion. He is so skillful at that. To hide emotions behind emotions. That is why, I feel no empathy for a man when it comes to emotions. No patriarchy has stopped him from expressing. He has convinced himself that he is not allowed to. His in-expressivity has more to do with his own insecurities than what society did to him. Man's world, man's society and man is enslaved. It is just a statement made by man to give women guilt trip, while they demand rights. Man is a hypocrite par excellence.
But Subhash was not like that. He stood up. He started walking towards Sukesh. Sukesh was still frozen. He seemed both hesitant and surprised over the audacity of this man. This man feared no one when it came to expressing emotions. As men should be. And men hate to be. As all humans should be.
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