My journey of thought began when Hinduism came in my life. My grandfather gave me stories, myths, and most of all, a reasonable and debatable karmic cycle theory that why am I where am I. I was more or less quenched.
Then came a time, when I got attracted to the thought of Hindutva and RSS. I have no shame in accepting that I was almost a follower. I read all of my grandfather's books on RSS, a mini library that he had. Just because, once when he came from his duty, he asked me to read and not watch television, it took me 5 years to completely finish his library reading, something which he has not even done till date. He asks me after all this time, what and which book to read to understand a particular thought school in RSS.
So, you can say the attraction of mine with thoughts and theory is very old.
Then, the reading quest of mine led me to Rohith Vemula's Suicide note. That marked as a turning point in my thought process. To appropriate Marcuse, I did not remain the one-dimensional man that I was. I started reading Ambedkar, Marx. Simultaneously, my interest in Urdu poetry shifted from Rahat Indori to Munawwar rana, to finally Jaun Elia. Jaun Elia was my entry point to three different domains, Existential western Philosophy, Islamic philosophy and Hardcore Urdu Poetry.
My interests merged when I discovered Slavoj Zizek, the Slovenian Marxist Hegelian. And slowly, I read history of communist thought in the world, Materialism, and its descents.
Then, Marx led me to Atheistic thought. Atheism is really contagious. It made me read and almost memorize almost all arguments that were given since antiquity about the non-existence of God. Epicurus, Marx, Lenin, rational optimists like Dawkins, Hitchens, Carl Sagan this time more systematically, and then a real time study of Hawking's work and then Physics laymen, Like Feynman physics, Lee Smolin, Einstein's views on God.
So, this was how I made a hole in whole of epistemology of thought, inside out. But the quench of more theory did not satisfy. After I went to Pune, I got introduced to Post-modern thought, which attracted me a lot, There I read some of Derida, Foucault, Judith Butler and also some Queer feminists.
There only I read some critical thoughts from Global south, and I got highly interested in Psychoanalysis and Political theory confluence. I read Freud, Lacan, and finally Dr. Salman Akhtar's work.
When I read Salman's work, I realized a very primal urge in me, which might be the reason why I am so knowledge hungry. Unlike my friends, I do not have the urge to tell other people that I am so knowledgeable. This I am already convinced of. I do not know since when. May be since I went to DPS. I was convinced that I have ability. I moved out of the insecurity to constantly prove myself my worth.
So, the primal urge is typically deep. Let me explain how and what.
I was born in a household which had a holier than thou Attitude. A high moral ground. This can be judged from this phrase that is the catch phrase of my household when I was growing up, "It is better to get cheated than to cheat!", "Thaga Jaaiye par thagiye mat!"
So, the first thought I got bored of was probably Morality. May be for wrong reasons but this led me towards a quest for Power. I had this Foucauldian Notion of power and morality and how power shapes discourse since a very long time. This quest for power was also coming from an influence of the frustrated women of my family, who were fed up with their men, because they were so emotionally fool, moral idiots, who could not for once think practically. I do not blame them. People who learn Morality as a basic content of religion always live in perpetual dilemma or become self-destructive people.
This notion of power made me work on my ego a lot. I had a big ego since a long time. So, that is why, in my humblest of conscience, I admit that when my friends say that they are friends with me for 15-16 years, I say, it is only 5 years from my side, may be 6, just when I got out of Patratu, because before then, everything was just a profit and loss statement for me. People were just use and throw for me. I never genuinely trusted anyone, never relied on anyone, never felt that I need to have friends till I came in 11th Standard.
This notion of power made me top wherever I went, it made me conscious of my reputation, a word I used a lot in Vidya mandir, my secondary school. I had sudden outbursts of ego whenever someone tried to poke me or make fun of me. Like, this one time in our tuitions, when I had thrown a chair on someone. Then I started crying. Why did I cry? I think a certain sensitivity towards one's own pain and one's own troubles makes one aware how ego, anger, lust and greed eats your soul every time you act on it. I think I had this primal awareness that I could watch myself in utmost anger, I could see the demon with naked eyes. That demon made me hate myself so much. But even while crying, I was blaming that guy who poked me. That is how the nature of ego is. It never accepts defeat. It never accepts that it had been caught red handed.
Then, after my Friend Nitesh's suggestion, led me to Osho. And each line hit me like anything. I do not know what Nitesh's experience with Osho was, but for me, whatever he said was happening since I was 7 years-8 years old. I had a really big ego since then. I remember, I stopped sitting with my childhood friend Rishav in bus for 3 months, just because one day he decided that he will sit with his sister. We were I think in class one. This was my relationship with my ego. Do you think this guy could have survive in this world with so much ego at such an early age?
But God giveth and God taketh away. I was blessed with something that I think very less people are blessed with. Why do you think I remember so much about my remote past so vividly? I had a self-awareness of a monk. That is why Meditation comes so natural to me. I can sit meditating for hours and hours. Even in my childhood, if you ask my grandparents, and even my parents when we used to live in Bangalore, I could be seen not playing with toys but just sitting in one corner of my house lost in no-thought. These all made sense the moment Bhagwan spoke to me. The words of Osho reached my ears, and I instantly got it, my pain, my deeply inflicted, my primal sorrow, my divine requirements.
My ego was my biggest problem. I instantly realized it. It will be very difficult for someone else to understand it, I understand that. This is because the kind of experience I had with my ego, people did not have that. Let's take the case of my friend Abhishek. He was dominated by his parents and in turn, the parents have been dominated by economic insecurity. He had no time to think and for self-reflection. He could not think this stuff at the age 12 or 13. He was not struggling with his ego when he was 14 years of age. I am not saying he was egoless. But he was not aware that he has ego. Actually, what happens, our interaction with our egos happens only in times of conflict. Whenever someone tries to hurt your ego, then only you realize for the split second that you have ego, a blister of soul. And in that time also, Ego tries to save itself, denies its existence, by blaming it on circumstances and situations.
Abhishek was probably busy playing cricket with his friends and seniors. He could have reflected on his ego at a young age if he would have just stopped and thought, why did I react in that particular way there? Why did I take it on myself to prove myself that I can hit a six? Why is it so important for me to prove to my parents that I am so intelligent? Why is it so important for me to score 10 CGPA so much so that I started crying when the principal said that I won't get it because I am not a RSS person? I understand why. His ego keeps justifying his behavior for him. He will say economic insecurity, he will say, Family problems, he will say Parental pressure. But just think, these problems does not care if you score 9.8 or 10. These are equally good scores to be honest. This lust to be the best is none other than the ego's desire. But alas, that self-reflection is missing in these people. Nowadays, they might become somewhat self-reflective, they have come to realize that they might need therapy. But I do not think Therapy helps as a permanent relief. Therapy just makes you cope. For permanent solution, Adhyatman is the only way, unfortunately.
So, this is the historical reason why I am so attracted to Adhyatman. Ler me expand it logically. My Logical reason of interest in Adhyatman.
You know when you see people all around you, everyone is running or is forced to run. I am not talking about their jobs or quest for jobs. I am talking about their inner urge for pleasure. The urge for money, fame, power all boils down to this primal animalistic urge for pleasure. Now, there are two sides of this pleasure principle.
One, when the pleasure keeps on satisfied, it keeps re-inventing itself in various forms and in a way, makes a man addict of itself.
Other, when the pleasure remains unsatisfied, the man gets stuck on it and remains in misery, mental and emotional pain, howsoever small.
These races where eventually no-one wins. The winner is awarded not with satisfaction and end of race, but he is awarded with another race for more and better pleasure. The loser rots away in his own created hell of desires. So, the loser does not win, and the winner does not end the race but keeps on gambling.
I do not like this whole system that works behind these inner desires and the systematic worldly ways we adopt to fulfil them.
Does not it seem logical to just acquire things that fulfil your needs and then work on yourself and your ego and desires, try to be quenched in one's own existence. Since eventually, you will have to do it. Because the riches cannot satisfy it. You got this realization through experience, didn't you? The game is rigged. The desires always re-invent themselves and the ego remains unsatisfied. The winner never wins but moves in loops of races of desires.
The reason why people do not put everything on stake for this way and just try to get Mukti from this race, is that people are either not convinced of this possibility that Mukti is possible, or even if they are, there is so much seduction in ego itself. How sweet it feels when the ego is tickled. How sweet it feels when you are proven right in an argument! isn't it? These are the incentives that the individual gets corrupted by.
Otherwise, the moment you realize that you are holding your own death, a snake in your hands, why won't you leave it instantly? Here in this case, the ego is the snake. Now, the reason is simple. They are still convinced that the poison will taste sweet, probably sweeter than anything they are tasted yet. But they have been told a lie. They have been told the real fiction, Maya.
People say, a little bit who are Atheists, that Ramayana and Mahabharata are fictions. And then they fight with religious people on it. This is an ego fight, par excellence. Who cares. Let it be fiction. But just think about it, is it more fictional than your desires and your deeply rooted wishes that one day, I will have this, one day I will have that. The most fictional thing in this world is Maya.
So, yeah this was it. This was my story. Two reasons why I am in this business of self-cleansing, and self-introspection.
You know, once when we told all this to our friend Abhishek, he said, I think Adhyatmic people are the most perfectionist people then, why would you nitpick about your ego and desires so much. Why not accept it that you are not perfect?
See, this is the final line of defense for anyone who is trained in western modernity. Someone who does not want to accept that he has problems that needs solutions. "Accept and then ignore" is the way of the Nastik, "Accept and constantly be aware of it is the way of Aastik".
The answer to this line of defense would be, ok, we are not perfect, but there must be a difference between Far from perfect and not perfect. There must be difference between a failure, someone who scored 10 out of 100 and someone who scored 99 out of 100. The latter's one mark can be ignored, like Vivekananda's habit of eating fish, can be ignored, but your habit of ego? Your habit of lust? Your habit of self-abuse? your habit of short-term dopamine hits by using Instagram validation? They cannot! Accept that you have issues, and you need self-introspection.
At last, I would like to say, if my friends or anyone is reading this, Sincerely, this is not an attempt to demean people. Not to show hatred. I have none left. But just a way to express my story. My way to Adhyatman.
I shall always be indebted to Nitesh for giving me this path, although, since he has not realized the true potentials of Adhyatman, he will never realize what a great deal of service he has done for me. The one who finds inner peace through loss of ego, realizes how much it was important to lose it. It is like you were holding something tightly so much that you had clotted the blood in your hands, but you could not let go. And then, you leave it. And thus, you feel so much calmer. You understand how foolish it was to hold it for so long.
And then you never ever hold it again. It then becomes muscle memory not to hold it. It then becomes instinct. It then becomes part of your soul never to pick it. This, my dear friends, is when Enlightenment drops at your doorstep. Enlightenment is a muscle memory.
If you ever found that this text has got you as well to Adhyatman, the happiest man will be me. Whenever I listen to Osho, and I will keep listening to him till death, I cry. I cry so much. My bedsheet wets. My face melts. Bhagwan! thank you so much for existing ever. Thank you so much that I could listen to you.
I got relieved of this wound of my soul, my ego, the wound of my heart, wound of my reason.
Bhagwan knows, Bhagwan sees. Bhagwan is in my heart, as always.
Yours Dearest Devotee
Vibhat
A star dust conglomerate.
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