Hey,
How are you guys doing?
So, Today I am going to share with you something that happened around me in these couple of days.
These are three incidents upon which I have some observations and then some conclusions that is what I take away from these situations.
First incident, Ashish, one of my DU juniors texts me one day, that he got a PhD position in some field of his wish that he wanted. I was happy for him because I had seen him in his low days when he took a gap for preparing for IIT-JAM and was feeling very down because he could not clear it. So far so good.
Then yesterday, we were just talking, and he told me that he needs to meditate. He said something like, "Is there something equivalent to what is gyming for physical health". I told him what I had. He learnt it from me and then said, "I really need something like this, Life is too much for me, I need a break, even if for 15 minutes a day!".
I felt good, this is a good enough reason to do dhyana. Actually, Dhyana is something no reason is needed for. You do it because you are it. You are a Dhyani by birth. Society gave you thoughts, pre-assumptions, and most of all, desires. Hope he is doing it from today. And let's see what happens.
Second Incident, I went on a weekly walk with my friends yesterday. Usually we talk about stuff happening, books we read and so on. Nitesh, one of my friends, I guess regular readers now are now stranger to this guy, again went on a retreat and a rant about how what we talk about and what our lives are in not in sync. And he then narrated the same old, same old story about how he is not able to do well in his professional life and that makes him worry about the conversations we have.
This is not the first time he has killed the mood of the time. I am not angry of him. I just feel sorry for him. This is even worse than being angry. To feel pity about your friend. His issues are issues that only he can solve. And in my humblest of conscience, I do not think he wants to solve them.
The people who want to solve their problems take active steps and do not stop till they reach their goal. I hope he listened whatever I told him yesterday.
How hard is it? If you are ambitious about something, that means you are greedy. You have desires. Accept and then be ruthless about them. Ab nahi ho paa rahe hain, toh nahi hoga clear exam, nahi banoge IAS. 3 baar kya, 6 baar fail karoge.
This is the rule of every ambition. You have to live with the pain of patience. The pain of discipline. I recall the days of my JAM preparation. I used to clock in daily 8 hours of study for 8 months straight in the time, I had a fresh break up. Time will not stop for your emotional problems.
My Brother, Vibhansh, did the same thing during his JEE preparation. He clocked in for hours in spite of self-doubts, having no friends, having no one to share his personal problems, he managed it. I mean, the man still has no friends. That is his personal problem. But see, People do it despite all odds.
Ek toh bhai, kaisa ambition hai bhai. Kya hi attachment hai, jo aapko padhne hi nahi de raha hai. Prepare hi karne nahi de rha hai. I think, Smriti, my ex-girlfriend, used to say this and I think she had a point, "Weak men find excuse to all of their troubles, Strong men find solutions and if they cannot, they leave the problem, they do not stress about it, They do not come home with a long face, frustrated, beating their wives, beating their children for no goddamn reason!".
Whatever you achieve in life or you do not, nothing is a convincing reason to just keep stressing about it, keep yourself in depression and then say, Oh I lost agency now. Then leave the domain, do something else.
Third Incident, I was returning home from that walk, where this happened, I checked my phone, and I got to know that My class has been cancelled today. Instead, a session at 7, which sir announced at 6:49 PM. I of course, missed it. I joined it at 7:39. I thought, chalo puch lenge kya hai.
I asked, why this meeting. Sir said, they were discussing that some students are having problems managing optional revision, tests along with prelims preparation.
And then I again listened to rants of some students, for 1 hour long. People telling sir, how they are unable to reach their targets because they cannot focus, they cannot sit for long, they cannot manage many things at once.
Now, whatever I am going to write, take it as a mistake. I usually control myself but here I have listened to only people complaining about their problems for 2 hours straight.
I asked my sir, "Sir, don't you think, you have allowed too much discretion to students in your class, what do you mean you are having trouble? What did you expect? Karo bhai, nahi kar sakte ho toh chhor do, sabke liye nahi hai IAS!". Clerk bhi ban ke marega kuch log.
My sir controlled the situation. I had offended quite many people. Honestly, I don't care. If truth shall kill them, let them die.
My sir said, "Vibhat, if you want somethings earlier, because you do mostly things on prescribed time, you can just ask me!" You can go ahead of the group's plan. I have already made the daily practice tests. Do not be frustrated. You do mostly your work on time. I do not want to stifle your progress.
I replied, "Sir, October se dekh raha hun, 15 baar toh plan change hua hai!". Don't you think there might be a problem in the people rather than the plan? Inefficient people do not deserve responsible public service jobs.
Someone, I think Rishabh, one of the member in the group, wrote to me on telegram personally, "Bhai shant bhai shant, Kya ho gaya Vibhat!".
Then I thought, probably I said too much. But I might have hurt a few ones, I don't care. Log chaahte hain ki bada aadmi ban jaayein, Lekin bada aadmi banne ke liye jo sacrifices karni padti hai, wo mat karao humse, bas plate mein saja ke dream de do mera humko.
To quote myself when I was in 1st year in my undergraduate, "Mai madharchodo se baat hi kyun karta hun!". Rustam might laugh on it. This is our inside joke.
So, What did we learn from this?
1. I am a ruthless motherfucker when it comes to life. Your ambition, your frustration. Isme excuses ki koi jagah nhi honi chahiye.
2. My view of this job is quite sacred. To quote, MS Dhoni, "We all are national servants, and we are all doing national duty!". If you are not able to work hard, accept that you deserve to be a clerk, not an IAS. This service of India deserves finest men of their fields and with rigor, not complaining bitches, who find problems in all prescribed solutions.
3. If I could not clear this exam, I am not attached to it so much that I will become apparently impotent. I will do something and will not cry a word about my loss. Yes, I failed. And yes, maybe I was only a clerk who tried for IAS but failed. How hard is it to accept?
4. At last, see, on a lighter note, I think, I mean, I have nothing on a lighter note today. It is what it is. Ab bardaasht ho toh suno, warna mat suno. Maro.
5. No, wait, let's try to end it in a better way. Like, I have empathy with Ashish. I understand his situation. The restlessness after ambition is achieved is real. I think, he should take an active step towards good mental health, by doing dhyana and all. Rest, other cases, I do not think I have much empathy, I will be honest. I might sound like a ruthless father who thinks his children are making excuses but be it. Sometimes fathers can also be right. And I think, Children have no right to think, that every time, their way of thinking is the best way.
I recall Anand Mohan bhaiya once told me, "Hum kaahe nahi order dein ki ye sab padho, Tumko lagta hai ki apna dimaag laga ke padh lega ee log? Itna dimaag hota toh pahla 2 attempt mein hi nikaal leta!'.
I am not very appreciative of this guy, but he might be onto something.
After effects of ambition can be hard. If you achieve it, purposelessness creeps it fast. Ashish needs to practice dhyana and engage in some meaningful activities, then he will do well. He has my blessings.
If you cannot achieve it, you remain in the purposeful sad state where purpose does not drive discipline but only depression.
I have a poem; Let's end it on that.
O mind!
"Forgive those, who cannot forgive themselves!
Bless those who have blessed themselves,
Smile at those who struggle in their lives for betterment,
And move on from those, who remain struck due to personal lack,
and complain about existing problems."
it was not much of a poem, but yeah, I am done now. Gonna start my day. unlike other people, I have work to do.
If you think I am rude, Keep thinking. I will work in this meantime. If you are done thinking about it, then you can go to work as well.
If you ask me, where do I get this confidence from?
Honestly,
तुलसी भरोसे राम के, निर्भय हो के सोए।
अनहोनी होनी नही, होनी हो सो होए।
Bas aur kuch nahi.
Jinke samajh aayi hai, badhiya, jo isi mein mare pade hain, ki ishwar nahi hota hai, maro madharchod. Tum लाड chaat ke hi maroge.
If you think these are not religious way of talking, you haven't read Kabir in totality. Maa chod dete kabir tumhari.
Khair, Jiska rona hai royega, jisko hasna hai wo dukh mein bhi hasega. Jisko gand marana hai, wo khushi mein bhi marwa ke maanega.
Baaqi ram jaanein...
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