JOURNAL DAY 0: RESTART

ॐ कृष्णाय वासुदेवाय हरये परमात्मने ॥ प्रणतः क्लेशनाशाय गोविंदाय नमो नमः ॥

Yeah, so, a pretty unproductive day, a lot of junk eating happened, and the only good thing happened was that I went to gym, and I attended my online class. 

Sorry, I went straight to it. Let's begin. 

So, it began with a bad dream when I woke up in the morning, after which I was again feeling anxious. I don't remember the dream, but it was sort of weird. I remember my grandfather in there, putting a crown of thorns on my head, and going to put me on a cross when I am just crying that I am son of God. Blood coming out of my forehead and everyone around me was there to punish me. It was sort of like a recreation of Jesus on the crucifix, only with people who I know. Religious people, people who I always had disagreements with. 

What to make of this dream? I do not know. I mean, it tempts me to think something self-validating but, you know when you wake up with your heart racing fast and you barely catching your breath, you sort of do not want to think about it. 

Then, I caught myself, I meditated. Almost 45 minutes this time. My rule is whenever I do not feel ok, I will keep on my eyes closed and my focus towards my breath. It is sort of, "Bechain reh ke mujhe duniya dekhni hi nahi hai, Jiyenge toh sukoon se!" 

Of course, meditation worked, it always does. Which leads me always to people who always say they cannot meditate. And I think, dude! It's because you are trying man! 

You know, it is very difficult to teach someone western educated what is it like to not try something and still get it done. That is why I understand most of my friends when they cannot understand religion or spirituality or meditation for that matter. You know, I think, "You are not dumb enough to get this!" 

Spirituality does not require absolutely genius reasoning skills. Spirituality, I don't know. May be it requires switching off of your mind the moment someone is telling you about it. You actually never understand spirituality. You just sort of agree with it at an empirical level. It is somewhat like, "Oh! yeah! damn man! yeah! this happened!". 

That is also the reason why I do not preach it. I do not wish to convert people. I do not wish to open a cult. I just wish to help myself. Because I know, it never works. A person, who is convinced of no God, cannot be unconvinced of it. Actually, what is he convinced of is human ability and human control. 

A western modern educated man is a symptom of its kind. A sort of disease with existence. You know, He is so convinced that he shapes his own reality and whatever is not in his control, he can actively try and get control of it, that he does not understand that the essence of life might not be in taking control of anything but may be, at some level, losing control, even of your own self. To surrender. To whom you do it does not matter. Surrender is the state of ease with existence. 

And you cannot teach someone to be at ease. You can only tell a man to be alert all the time. All civilizations, all culture, all religion, what did they make man? An alert dog.  Alert to your desires. Alert to your needs. Fight for your needs. And till the point this conflict of "Being alert in order to live" will continue, Man will not be at ease with life to just may be lie down and listen quietly may be, his heartbeat, focus a little bit on his breath. Not to attain anything, just try to just exist. Try to just feel, how "Being alive feels like". 

I have seen myself miserable. I am no longer that person. No external circumstance bothers me this much. Just some sub-conscious dreams that keep coming recurringly. Like this one that I saw today. You know when I see alert people, fighting, raising their voice, even defending something that they will not even care on a good day, I remember my old self. I feel, "Kisi din, isko bhi bata do bhagwaan, Ki apna naash na kare! Khud ko bachaye barbaad hone se!" Because, simple rule, you cannot save a man who does not wish to be saved. 

I believe if I attained spiritual enlightenment one day, I will just live and just die without telling anyone. Modern man, I don't know, I don't think he will ever be less egoistic enough to accept me as guru. 

Khair, coming to my day, yes! so, after meditation, daily ritual, coffee, then class. After class, I sat down to revise whatever happened in the class. After that, I felt like cooking something. I cooked pasta for myself. 

Then, I ate it, slept. Woke up, took bath. Had lunch and went to gym. 

Gym was of course very good as always. You know, Lifting keeps me so much alive. You know, the allegory of Sisyphus is so apt with some moderation. Like, in the story, I would have liked if it was Hanuman ji, doing chest press with Rishyamukh parvat rather that Sisyphus lifting the boulder. Also, the story should not have been a curse. Like, I like the part where hanuman ji goes to this parvat to bring it. I think it is also an existential allegory. Only that Hanuman ji is so much more sorted and already happy. He is also clueless about what to take and what not. But he is so capable that he can just take everything with him. So, Hanuman One, Sisyphus Zero. You know, I like to hate these Western cursed children of Philosophy, be it Camus, Sartre or anyone. What is their genuine contribution to the world? To describe what a hellhole this place is? Bas? You wannabe intellectual cunts. 

That's why I like East and its Philosophy. A laughing Buddha. A smiling Ram And a joyous Hanuman. I always have this problem with Western Philosophers. You can so intelligent, and you cannot figure out how to be happy. May be then you should commit fucking suicide Albert Camus, you absurdist cunt. 

Moving on, yeah so I came back with Biryani in my bag. I ate Biryani for my dinner. With 2 boiled eggs. Yeah, so today, I just fucked with my meals. 

So, coming to matters at hand, 

I am thinking of starting again the journaling and counting it since day 1. The reason, I am starting my prelims preparation. Of course, I have my mentors of Understand UPSC Guide me. But also, I am going my Mains consolidation so, I will give 6 hours daily to that. Rest 6 hours for prelims. 

I will keep here my updates, Emotional wellbeing, as well as My mental sanity checks here. 

I have planned stuff. From tomorrow, I have also pledged (again), to stop eating junk. Then only, Can I benefit from working out. Now, till the point I do not give prelims, I will not eat anything of outside. 

Also, working out 6 days a week 2 hours per day is a must. Studying 12 hours a day is a must. Tomorrow onwards I will also put photos of my Timer app YPT. 

And also, may be something that motivated me today, something spiritual, something that made me flow, something that made me dance, something that made me chuckle. 

I also had something else in mind. You know what is the difference between normal Philosophy and a spiritual doctrine? A spiritual doctrine stops your thought, makes you thoughtless for a bit, while Philosophical doctrine makes you think, develop a thought. 

At this point, I do not think I am at all interested in thinking. All I am interested in is somehow, I stop my mind from thinking. To rest in a bliss that is life. I think this is good point to end. 

Hari om tat-sat!