ON LOVE [FOR SMRITI]

Do not pity the dead, Harry. Pity the living and above all, Pity those who never experience love. ~ Albus Dumbledore

 Dear Smriti, 

Remember Smriti, once I wrote a ridiculous poem titled Memory, trying to hide that I am writing a poem about you. In that, I had written that I will never let you be a memory. But little did I know, how beyond some aspects remain in our lives. How little control do we have on our circumstances. But it is the truest test of our endurance at those times that define us as us. That definition will not only help us in difficult times but also keeps us grounded in times of successes. 

I was struggling for a few days to write about it given that the fact that I feared judgement. I had in mind what If you read it someday and think what a loser am I, writing on love with reference to my ex-girlfriend. Honestly, I would like to believe that you understand me and know that neither do I judge people for what they feel, nor do I wish to be judged by societal standards of what a good man or a good woman should be. To quote Sartre, it is authentic existence what makes us true humans, existence that does not require confirmation through any sort of societal standards. 

I will not put you in a dilemma. I will never send you this. But I have to write this. Write this because it is in my soul, write this because it is my brain, write it because it is in my heart. 

I never claimed to be an ideal boyfriend. Back then, I did not even know that I should be one. I was there in a sudden zone. Actually, the problem we faced was the fundamental problem in the concept of love itself. It is sort of contradiction in the very concept itself. 
Love, is and as we know it, is an inner feeling. It is the nature of an individual to submit oneself to the other. It is the ultimate intent of all actions. It is the most unintentionally achieved intention one can possess. I see a flower and I cannot describe why but I have an intention to appreciate the beauty. I intend to pursue the flower. But I do not pluck it since I know the source of its beauty. 
Love being a highly individualist intention, suffers from a compulsion to be shown in public or at least to your partner. A wife wishes for once her husband would bring her flowers. A girlfriend for once wishes her boyfriend listens to her and respects her decisions. Small acts, that shows the outcomes of those intentions that one has in feelings. 
But there is a possibility that however strong, a person's intentions are, he cannot express it through actions, through outcomes. However strong one feels, it is ultimately the outcome, the action or may be some words that are going to be in front of the person that one claims to love.

This is the fundamental dilemma of love. All love is internal, but all expression is external. 

I wish, I could have expressed how much I loved you. I wish, things between us could have been saved. I wish, Differences could have been sorted. I remember, last time when we talked, maybe a year back, you told me we are different people. Cannot different people love? A compulsion to work the relationship, is it so big that it surpasses the fundamental concept from which it originated, that is, Love. 
Writing a love letter in 21st century is weird. Should I send this to you? Honestly, I myself, do not wish to continue anything now. And maybe I know it will not work again. But...I don't know how to express myself here. I agree that we are different people, but a voice within me says, different people can love each other. 
May be my love will remain for you unrequited. It is a hard grief that I carry on my chest and maybe I have to carry it for the rest of my life. I do not wish to complicate things here. 

I laughed in the days I loved you, did you Laugh as well? I hope.

I loved in the days I could make you laugh; did you love as well? I hope.

I cannot be sorrier for some days when you cried because of me, you need not be sorry since, I cried all the time. 

I am sorry I am writing this again. 

Let us move to you. What did you feel? You felt incompatibility. You felt difference. Did you feel unlove? Did you feel anytime, I was not there for you? My god, I never had thought even after 5 years, I will be here writing this. 

Man, I feel terrible. You might ask, why don't you meet other people? You might ask, why don't you find someone else? 

Did you find anyone else? You said, yes, in fact, a lot of them. Well, I cannot. recently I broke up with someone because... again, I do not know why. 

I cannot reciprocate love to someone else for some reasons. I know, in this economy where everything becomes a status quo, from family relations to professions to personality. People like me, who just are saying, "But I listen to my heart, and it says, its ok to express yourself to the girl you once loved!" 

I do not wish to make this a letter to ask you to come back. I was feeling heavy at heart. 

I am sorry if I put you in dilemma or in utter disgust or in any sort of unwanted emotions. You know I do not intend any of this. I intend to love you and listen to what my conscience says. Gandhi ji used to listen to his conscience always. This benefitted him in long run. Maybe it does to me also. 

I do not wish to send this. At the same time, I do. I will do one thing. I will send this to your telegram. Since, you are inactive. Maybe you never read this. 

 Sirf Tumhara, 

Vibhat