ON LOVE [FOR SMRITI]

Do not pity the dead, Harry. Pity the living and above all, Pity those who never experience love. ~ Albus Dumbledore

 Dear Smriti, 

Remember Smriti, once I wrote a ridiculous poem titled Memory, trying to hide that I am writing a poem about you. In that, I had written that I will never let you be a memory. But little did I know, how beyond some aspects remain in our lives. How little control do we have on our circumstances. But it is the truest test of our endurance at those times that define us as us. That definition will not only help us in difficult times but also keeps us grounded in times of successes. 

I was struggling for a few days to write about it given that the fact that I feared judgement. I had in mind what If you read it someday and think what a loser am I, writing on love with reference to my ex-girlfriend. Honestly, I would like to believe that you understand me and know that neither do I judge people for what they feel, nor do I wish to be judged by societal standards of what a good man or a good woman should be. To quote Sartre, it is authentic existence what makes us true humans, existence that does not require confirmation through any sort of societal standards. 

I will not put you in a dilemma. I will never send you this. But I have to write this. Write this because it is in my soul, write this because it is my brain, write it because it is in my heart. 

I never claimed to be an ideal boyfriend. Back then, I did not even know that I should be one. I was there in a sudden zone. Actually, the problem we faced was the fundamental problem in the concept of love itself. It is sort of contradiction in the very concept itself. 
Love, is and as we know it, is an inner feeling. It is the nature of an individual to submit oneself to the other. It is the ultimate intent of all actions. It is the most unintentionally achieved intention one can possess. I see a flower and I cannot describe why but I have an intention to appreciate the beauty. I intend to pursue the flower. But I do not pluck it since I know the source of its beauty. 
Love being a highly individualist intention, suffers from a compulsion to be shown in public or at least to your partner. A wife wishes for once her husband would bring her flowers. A girlfriend for once wishes her boyfriend listens to her and respects her decisions. Small acts, that shows the outcomes of those intentions that one has in feelings. 
But there is a possibility that however strong, a person's intentions are, he cannot express it through actions, through outcomes. However strong one feels, it is ultimately the outcome, the action or may be some words that are going to be in front of the person that one claims to love.

This is the fundamental dilemma of love. All love is internal, but all expression is external. 

I wish, I could have expressed how much I loved you. I wish, things between us could have been saved. I wish, Differences could have been sorted. I remember, last time when we talked, maybe a year back, you told me we are different people. Cannot different people love? A compulsion to work the relationship, is it so big that it surpasses the fundamental concept from which it originated, that is, Love. 
Writing a love letter in 21st century is weird. Should I send this to you? Honestly, I myself, do not wish to continue anything now. And maybe I know it will not work again. But...I don't know how to express myself here. I agree that we are different people, but a voice within me says, different people can love each other. 
May be my love will remain for you unrequited. It is a hard grief that I carry on my chest and maybe I have to carry it for the rest of my life. I do not wish to complicate things here. 

I laughed in the days I loved you, did you Laugh as well? I hope.

I loved in the days I could make you laugh; did you love as well? I hope.

I cannot be sorrier for some days when you cried because of me, you need not be sorry since, I cried all the time. 

I am sorry I am writing this again. 

Let us move to you. What did you feel? You felt incompatibility. You felt difference. Did you feel unlove? Did you feel anytime, I was not there for you? My god, I never had thought even after 5 years, I will be here writing this. 

Man, I feel terrible. You might ask, why don't you meet other people? You might ask, why don't you find someone else? 

Did you find anyone else? You said, yes, in fact, a lot of them. Well, I cannot. recently I broke up with someone because... again, I do not know why. 

I cannot reciprocate love to someone else for some reasons. I know, in this economy where everything becomes a status quo, from family relations to professions to personality. People like me, who just are saying, "But I listen to my heart, and it says, its ok to express yourself to the girl you once loved!" 

I do not wish to make this a letter to ask you to come back. I was feeling heavy at heart. 

I am sorry if I put you in dilemma or in utter disgust or in any sort of unwanted emotions. You know I do not intend any of this. I intend to love you and listen to what my conscience says. Gandhi ji used to listen to his conscience always. This benefitted him in long run. Maybe it does to me also. 

I do not wish to send this. At the same time, I do. I will do one thing. I will send this to your telegram. Since, you are inactive. Maybe you never read this. 

 Sirf Tumhara, 

Vibhat 

The Schedule

Shaunak Sinha was a lonely alarm clock. To call him something else would be a figure of speech, a hyperbole, an exaggeration. Often mocked by his peers for being such a follower of time, he was still stubborn. You could not stop this man over time. To expect him more than usual time was an expectation to be broken. 

One day, Savita, a girl Shaunak's age came to live in his society. She grew popular among many people of the colony. It was just a matter of fact that Shaunak saw Savita on his way home from Office. She looked beautiful. He wanted to ask her out for coffee. But Our Shaunak did not find slot till next weekend. But he has to follow time. He cannot let the clock tick off. 

Time passed, and he saw her with another man. He looked at his clock and said, it is still time for weekend and rushed to office. On that day of asking her out, he dressed up nice, brought some flowers and came back to society to find Savita. 

Savita's home was locked from outside. He was about to go home when he saw her sandals and shoes on on the shoe-shelf, which suggested she has not gone out. He knocked at the locked door. Nobody moved. Within a second, he thought to take a look at the window of Savita. He went outside. He saw nothing. He was not able to join the dots. He went to the apartment diagonally opposite to Savita's. It was Mukesh's. Mukesh was surprised to see Shaunak since he was almost like a full moon to be seen once in a while. Shaunak asked Mukesh, "How are you, Mukesh?", "Fine, what about you?" asked Mukesh. Shaunak said, I will be much fine if you let me use your Balcony to see Savita's Balcony. Mukesh smirked and taunted Shaunak, "I did not know Shaunak that you are such a creep! you should hang out with me more often, and Savita, oh! God, she is an amazing girl, so hot!" Shaunak, as if deaf, asked, "Can I use your balcony or not?" "Go ahead!", Mukesh was weirded out. 

Shaunak reached out to Mukesh's Balcony and looked at Savita's. He was handcuffed and had bruise marks on her face and neck. She was gagged on her mouth with a cloth to stop her crying. She seemed to be in pain. She seemed to be kidnapped in her own home. Shaunak took his phone and called the Police. 

Police came and Savita was rescued. It was found that his boyfriend used to beat her and planned to kidnap her to ask for a ransom to his parents. Savita had come from a small town for a job in the city. Shaunak's efforts saved Savita. Savita came to Shaunak's home at evening. She had heard of him but had heard only stuff like he is the most boring person one can get. She used to maintain a distance from him thinking he is some sort of a weirdo. She thanked him, "Thank you Shaunak, if you had not been there, I wonder what would have happened!" Shaunak smiled but said nothing. Savita looked at Shaunak and something about the smile made her smile too, it was one of the most precious things she was looking at, however she did not know this. Further she asked, "But why did you come to my door today? did you need something?" Shaunak looked at his clock and said, now is my time to get dinner and sleep, I had planned to ask you out for a coffee as a date since I liked you. But the time slot for that particular task is over. I will try next week. He smiled and said, "See you tomorrow!" Savita looked him with amazement. She looked at the sheet sticked to his fridge, written "10 AM to 4 PM: Ask Savita out for a date". 

She bid him goodbye and left him with one final thing, she said, "I will wait for next week at 10 AM, Shaunak". Shaunak smiled. She respected his adherence to time. Shaunak's adherence to schedule was finally not boring but cute to someone.