THE WORLD AS I SEE IT: wrote whatever came to my mind.

 Long time back, I read Albert Einstein's Autobiographical accounts or views in his book, "The world as I see it!". It was a very revealing experience for me to learn about a Scientist's views about general matters of this world. A person so distinguished in his field, when he delves in the day to day matters of the world, there is a chance that his views might be entirely controversial and at times unacceptable to the present perceptions of the society. Nevertheless, his views still remain important for two reasons, namely, his views as a person living his life are crucial as everyone's views and second, the methods of analysis that he learnt over the years might as well help him to get a clearer picture of the world than an average lay person. 

I intend to do the same this time. The only difference remains that I am no Albert Einstein, neither am I planning to be one. I am a master's student in an elite Indian institute of Research and in 3-4 months, I am seeking to do some work and take my degree of MS in Physics. And changing the field entirely, Now I am pursuing Civil services exam of this country for one year. This year, I am going to give my first attempt and possibly not my last attempt. The fall out of mine from my present career path was not accidental in my eyes but it seemed accidental to many including me for a long time. The question as to why I thought of leaving the avenue of research, even though, it was so dear to me from my childhood. The answers were in front of me, and I was not ready to accept it. In any circumstance, the world has a general tendency to give you easy answers to the most difficult questions of your life. When I decided and the world knew, people around me knew the I am leaving research, People were ready to tell me through their eyes that I was always an incompetent chap with lots of fake confidence. My closest of friends were ready to confirm their predictions that I was incompetent and was just lucky when it came to Physics or for that matter anything. I now think, why this is the case? Why, people around us, are so much in Itch that they are just ready to come out as toxic people? I believe they do not have any share of fault in this. This world and somewhat your own psychology over the years since we were hunter gatherers has made us so insecure, greedy, selfish, jealous and fearful of the other that we not only live our lives to justify others that we are big in our lives but also when the other falls, we laugh the hardest in our heads. This fact is so harsh for us to grasp that we all are intrinsically bad people that we keep a self-denial mode on till the point a big rupture of this perception happens, and our true faces are revealed in front of us. Many might argue, but then from where the good qualities arises in human beings. My perception about this is Goodness and virtue is a sweet human imagination. Some try to inculcate it within them, some make a pact with it to be good only on transactional basis and some keep on struggling with the imaginations of goodness. Self-illusion, as I name it. 

The reason to why I left the avenue of research is maybe it was too stable for me. A stable secure life for a lower middle class struggling with the self-boy is a bit harsh to manage. People of my age and even above and below my age do not analyze life to this extent. They might call it over-thinking. But, in my opinion, if you are not capable of thinking, you coin a term called overthinking and you shame everyone who is of high caliber with this tag. People around me try to live a stable normatively successful life. They try to achieve certain things; they achieve it and get quenched or do not achieve it and keep on striving. But nobody stops and thinks but for what? Ok, I am not naive to think only I think these things. I know that many people, in some evening when they are free, think this and tackle with these questions of emptiness of life. But, from next day, they go to work. They keep on living. So, I understand when people call me an overthinker and doer of an unnecessary intellectual exercise with no practical outcome. They do this as an unnecessary intellectual exercise themselves. For them, it is not a priority. For them, it is just a short-term detour before they jump to the next day and go to work and keep on living the same life over and over again. For me, this itself is Life. Everything else is just accessary. Money, for instance, is for me, an enabler to let me keep thinking and I do not starve, although I have a habit of spending too much money on chocolates and books. Goals and passion now, for me, are mere games which I set for myself to entertain me. People and related emotions with them, be it that of envy, joy, hope, anger, jealousy are also games that I only play with myself. Whenever I am genuinely angry at someone, I go in a mental hibernation to question, what is this feeling of itch that is so intense within me? And I get an answer that there is nothing natural about it, nothing very universally unavoidable. It is somewhat a self-created poison. Why do we keep on poisoning ourselves? Because, we have an incentive in it. We create selfish emotions like love, lust, happiness and as a reaction, hate, insecurity, sadness and jealousy are created. I will go to this extent and say, it is us who create the other side of emotions as well. This is a game we devised for ourselves so that we do not experience the emptiness and boredom of life. I say, it is you and not your murderer who has a blood lust when he kills you if you are crying for your life. In your sub-conscious, you wanted to see your blood to come out. 

When, at this point in time, I analyze myself, I come to a conclusion that I am not comfortable not to play these games anymore. For me at this point in life, Success and failure mean the same. for me, at this point, people hating me and people loving me sound the same. Even if I end up life as a failure, as the world likes to categorize, I find no issues in that. Maybe I am a failure in this sense. But then the important question is, what quenches me? What is so satisfactory in my life that I keep on living in this manner and do not wish or regret anything? I say the following, "The feeling of satisfaction of existence itself." Existence itself, in some way, is so much satisfying, it is so enriching an experience that I do not seek external validations from Life now. This feeling of being in a body of carbon atoms, this feeling of "to be able to feel how it feels like to be me" and "to be able to think", it is all so satisfying that I can cost anything for it, even my life. But this does not make me lethargic. This makes me stronger than ever. Now, I do my work so unattached and already satisfied, it is almost like freedom from within. I stop here, I have a flight to catch back to my workplace in Pune. I do not know what life has to offer but isn't the unknown so enthralling and satisfying. I end here.